I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
