textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
