I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
