It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
