Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you traded sex for a burrito?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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