I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
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what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
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I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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