my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
