So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
