I was born with a shot glass in my hand
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
