I only kidnapped one of them. chill
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
