Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
