I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
