Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
