im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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