All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
