where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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