i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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