This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
