Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
