I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
