i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
