She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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