fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
