Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
