I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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