wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
