I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
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