Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
