It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
