It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
