I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
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The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
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I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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