Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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