dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
