paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
