Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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