so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
