just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
