Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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