You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
