Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
