If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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