summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
