hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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