How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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