we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
