You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
