Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
