I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
