Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
what day is it and did you see me today?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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