I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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