I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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