Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
