Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
