you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
not ubering you a puppy
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
