I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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