I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize