I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
