I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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