we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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