That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
