Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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