and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
