Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
