I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
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All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
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Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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